Randomness: if that's even a word--I just now realized what a random person I am. I have no one, no place, no nothing that has any significance to anyone or anything. I seem to have created the random me by always trying to do the right thing and trying to please other people. Unfortunately, by always presenting yourself as okay or just by trying to be helpful, people naturally come to assume you are always okay. Well, I'm not okay and I'm tired of being a random person. I'm tired of people not hearing what I say, I'm tired of people taking me for granted, I'm tired of being thought of last, and I'm tired of trying to make-up for past mistakes.
What the hell can I do about any of it anyway? Probably nothing but, I'm over it, I'm just over it. Sure, I was caught-up in the everyday bullshit of life just like everyone else, so my randomness did not even occur to me--I actually thought my life had meaning and purpose (there's that perception thing again). I am officially withdrawaling from the social human drama we call life. Don't worry about me, I'll be "okay". But, be on notice: I'm not going to cry anymore because people in your life are more important than me, I'm not going to try to be perfect because I don't care, I'm not going to be responsible because life IS unfair, I'm not coming to any one's aid so go find someone else, I'm not going to kiss any one's ass because I feel guilty and, most of all, I'm not going to be strong for anyone anymore. I hereby resign. If you need help, ask someone else.
Before I check-out from human interaction completely, here are a few things to consider when wandering around in daily life: 1) listen, really listen to anybody that is talking to you, 2) stop and think about what you really heard when you were listening and do something about it if you need to, 3) stop making random comments like "how are you today" or "work sucks" or "I have to have that new Beemer or house or iphone or whatever" as it's unbecoming and materialistic, 4) don't be afraid to talk to someone about their personal situation, 5) if the thought crosses your mind to help someone, help them, don't just think about it, 6) don't ignore people when they ask you for a favor because it is inconvenient, 7) if someone owes you something and they pay it back begrudgingly, forget about it, it's not worth it, 9) take people seriously, and 10) volunteer, it's worth it.
I've always tried to do the right thing but, either my judgment is off, or it wasn't the right thing to begin with--life is a black hole we are always trying to climb out of and not a glassy pond we can just land on and stay afloat. I do feel like a mosquito, a pesky creature that no one knows how to deal with and is just an irritation. Most people do not like to deal with intimate situations because it makes them uncomfortable and most don't have the verbal skill set anyway, unfortunately. However, having experienced coming from the side of wanting and needing personal and intimate communication, here's number 11) don't be afraid to talk to people in need, be a friend and get past your own weaknesses and fears.
Random, according to the American Heritage Dictionary is "Having no specific pattern or purpose." This is the perspective and epitome of me.
Love and peace to all,
Withane
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